Friday, October 16, 2009

Five Weeks

I totally forgot on Wednesday that it was 5 weeks since I placed Roo.

I'm not shocked that I forgot, really. I left for Tucson on Wednesday night so I didn't go to the birth mother support group at LDSFS like I usually do. Being there tends to remind me that it's another week since I was a mommy. But it isn't as though I haven't been thinking of my Roo. She's been on my mind a lot. I think maybe I forgot because it seems I placed her so long ago.

I know I say this every week, but I can't believe that so little time has passed. It feels like months ago. Not too surprising, really, since the first week felt like a year, and the second week felt like a month.

I am doing so much better than I ever thought I would, especially after only 5 weeks. I remember thinking during the first week after placement that I would never want to eat again, never sleep without an Ativan, never laugh at a TV show, never get over no longer being a mother.

And yet, here I am, back to as normal of a life as I'll ever lead. I've always hated that word, normal. I was never normal as a child. Actually, I don't think I've ever been normal in my life. And from a situational standpoint, who's to say what is normal? Normal is just how things are. It's not normal to have a father die of brain cancer, but that's normal for me. It's not normal to place a baby for adoption when she's nine weeks old, but that's my normal.

I miss Roo terribly. I think that's going to be normal for a while. But I don't miss her with the same desperation I used to have. I miss the baby that I had, not the baby that P and M have. She is their baby, not mine (even though I will always call her my Roo). I miss the plans I had for her that I will never see fulfilled. But I am looking forward to seeing what plans her parents have for her, to see what fun things she does and what clever things she says and what incredible things she learns.

I miss her, but it's okay. And so am I.

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