Monday, October 12, 2009


I went to the most amazing fireside last night. The speaker was a former member of the Cuban military - a former trained assassin. He joined the Mormon church nine years after he came to America in 1989. I have never before in my life heard such a compelling story. This man has been to hell and back more than any human should ever have to. He has seen the worst that humanity has to offer.

As much as anything, his was a story of redemption. He bore the most amazing testimony of the Atonement and the difference it has made in his life. He has the most perfect faith in the power of Christ to make us whole again. I've been thinking a lot about what he said during the past 24 hours.

I write almost exclusively about my experiences since I found out I was pregnant, but I have purposely avoided discussing the sin that led to my pregnancy. It's between me and the Lord, and it is something I have put firmly behind me in my life.

Except that it is always with me, in my mind. It isn't something that I can forget, and the bad decisions that I made last year have crushed my self-esteem. I have a hard time forgiving myself. And that makes it hard to believe that God will forgive me. I have struggled with this for the better part of the year. I know that God loves us, and that we can be forgiven of our sins through the Atonement of Christ. But I also know what the scriptures and the prophets have said about this kind of sin. It's hard to reconcile those two things.

The speaker last night was once a trained killer. But he spoke with a surety of the Lord having forgiven him his sins. I thought, if he's been forgiven, mightn't I be forgiven as well?

I know that, even though I made terrible mistakes, one of the results was that the world now holds the most beautiful, perfect baby I have ever known. The Lord has ways of making ugly things beautiful. How wonderful that is!

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