Sunday, October 4, 2009

A Note to My Readers

When I started this blog, my motives were selfish. I thought that it would be therapeutic for me, and that someday it might help Roo understand why I couldn't be her mommy - why I am *not* her mommy. It never occurred to me that anyone other than P and M and maybe my mother might read it.

But in recent weeks I've heard that I have many readers, and that they appreciate my honesty and my sacrifice. I was at first disbelieving, since I don't get many comments and because I couldn't imagine that anyone would want to read what I have to say. But I have come to realize that my story is important, and that it has touched people, and I am grateful for that.

I've been told by adoptive parents that my blog helps them to understand what their babies' birth mothers might be feeling, and by birth mothers that I was able to put into words exactly how they'd felt after placement. What a thrill! I've always felt that I might have a gift for writing, but I never imagined that I would devote my time to writing about adoption. It has indeed been therapeutic for me, but I am glad that it has helped other people, too. I find that now I write as much for others as I do for myself.

I want the whole world to understand how amazing adoption is, and how much good it does for all parties involved. I am excited to tell my story, whether on this blog, or in schools, or to other birth mothers. So whomever you are out there, thank you for reading, and for sharing my blog with others.

It occurs to me that sometimes I'm a bit too negative, a bit too introspective, a bit too wrapped up in how hard this has been for me. I don't want that to be the emphasis here, although I do think it's important to be honest about my feelings, because some people still think that adoption is the easy way out, or means that I don't love my baby. But I want the message I send to be one of hope and joy and peace.

I have hurt more than words can ever say. Missing Roo is like a constant toothache. The days after placement were the darkest of my life, and they were nothing short of hell. But I would do it all over again in a heartbeat, because in the end it can't be about me. If it comes down to doing what was best for me or doing what was best for Roo, she wins every time. Adoption was hard for me, but the best thing in the world for Roo. I placed her because I love her. I will always love her, and I will always love her parents.

This has been hard, but the hurt will heal. I am a better person because of the decision that I have made, and so too is Roo. Adoption has changed both of our lives in ways I can only begin to imagine. It is an awesome thing, and am thankful every day for the blessing that it is.

1 comment:

Mother of the Wild Boys said...

It's definitely true, so many people can benefit from your story and your honesty. And you are an amazing writer!