Friday, October 2, 2009

Finding Roo's Family

I have had a few people ask me how I chose a family for Roo. I can understand the curiosity. Out of all the families out there who would love to adopt a baby, how do you narrow it down? What criteria do you use?

When I was still pregnant and looking at couple profiles, I thought that it was going to be the hardest decision of my life. I had certain things I was looking for in a family, and I found them in more than one profile. In February, I met with two different couples and in my mind, I was going to choose between them for a family for Roo.

And then I decided to keep her, and I put them out of my mind as much as I could. I still thought about them, and wondered if any other birth mothers were interested in them, and whether they had pinned their hopes for a child on me.

When I thought I might need to place Roo, I tried to choose between the two couples I had met. Neither one felt right. Well, shoot, I thought. What am I supposed to do now?

I looked at more profiles, but none stood out. At no point did I have the experience that I have heard birth mothers speak of, where a heavenly choir sings and you just know you've found THE family. I decided to think on it for a few days.

I should explain at this point that I strongly believe that birth mothers do not choose their baby's families, they find them. I believe that adopted children end up with the families they are meant to be with. How was I to know where Roo belonged? I wanted so strongly for her to belong with me. I didn't think I'd ever find the right couple.

I spent a lot of time on-line, looking at various adoption websites and blogs. And on every single one, the names of one couple kept showing up. Their names would jump out at me from the list as though they were in boldface. It didn't seem to matter what site I was on. In the midst of every list of couples hoping to adopt, there they were.

I thought I was probably just noticing them because I had liked their LDSFS profile. It was written well and I couldn't find any spelling or grammar errors. That must be it, I told myself.

But that night, as I rocked Roo to sleep, their names came to me again.

And again, when I fed her the next morning.

And again, when I changed her diaper.

And again, during her bath.

And again, when I watched TV.

And when I held her again, and when I fed her again, and changed diaper after diaper. It got kind of annoying, to be honest. I wished their names would leave me alone. But they didn't. And when I made the decision for sure to place Roo, I knew which couple to choose. In the end, I did not choose them for Roo. Heavenly Father chose them for Roo. In His infinite wisdom, He knew where she needed to be, and He knew how stubborn I am, and that I would need to be hit over the head with the information.

As I sat in S's office at LDSFS, sobbing and holding my baby tight, I knew what to do. S asked me if I had any couples in mind. She knew of a few who would be willing to be very open, she said. But they weren't right. I told S I knew who Roo's parents were supposed to be.

A few minutes later, M got the phone call that answered a thousand prayers. That was on a Monday. I met P and M on Thursday. I had heard birth mothers say that when they met the right couple, they felt as though they had known them forever. I have to say, I didn't feel that. But I don't think that means anything. That isn't what's important. What is important is that I felt comfortable with them instantly, and they answered every stupid question I could think to ask without making me feel stupid for asking, and when I let them hold Roo for the first time, my arms didn't feel empty. I knew, just as surely as I know my own name, that she was where she belonged. Roo gave her daddy the biggest smile I had ever seen. She, too, seemed to know that she had found her family.

I don't think a birth mother can possibly choose a family. I think that the best that she can do is search and pray and have faith that God will lead her in the right direction.

P and M are Roo's parents as much as if she shared their DNA. Heavenly Father wanted her to be theirs before any of us were born. I am so thankful that they let me borrow her for a little while when she was brand new. I am thankful that I was led to them. They are amazing people, and I am thankful for the privilege of bringing their daughter into the world. I know that God loves me, because he provided me with that awesome experience, and he has blessed me for it.

The scriptures say to seek and ye shall find. I sought, and I found. And Roo and I are both better for it.


BobandColista said...

This story is exactly why I don't stress and worry over waiting to be chosen by a birth mother. As hard as it was to go for years without being a mommy I knew that one day it would be my time. I just had to wait for God's time and now we are waiting for His time again.

Bellatrix and Narcissa said...

I really appreciated this post :-) My husband and I have been waiting for a baby for 3 years (1 year with adoption) and just last month we were selected by a birth mom. So many of my friends have asked if I worry about bonding, or physical differences the baby will notice between me and the birth mom, but I had such an overwhelming sense that this isn't just SOME baby, it's MY baby. And it is so nice to hear that the birth moms feel the same way! What helps the most is, I can't help my paranoia that birth mom will change her mind, but then I know this wasn't my baby, and that's okay too. Heavenly Father will bring my baby to me, eventually. Thank you!!