Monday, October 26, 2009

Fourth Visit

I got so distracted by yesterday's anniversary that I almost forgot to mention Saturday's visit. I got to see my Roo! This was visit number four since placement, which is just awesome since it's only been six (almost seven) weeks.

P and M brought me a birthday cake and several different flavors of gelato. The cake was decorated for Halloween, and it looked and tasted wonderful. I'd had gelato before but I wasn't a big fan. Turns out, I'd just not had very good gelato. This stuff was amazing!

I shared Roo with my mom for a bit so I could eat and take some pictures, but I hogged her most of the time. I could hold that little girl forever. She is so happy and so sweet. She napped on me for a little bit, as she usually does on visits. When she woke up she looked so confused because she saw both her parents on the couch and I think she wondered who was holding her. It was very cute. I think everything she does is cute, of course. She gets these little puzzled eyebrows and sticks her lower lip out just a tiny bit.

She smiled at me just a little bit but saved most of her smiles for her mommy and daddy. This is one baby girl who absolutely loves her mommy and daddy. She smiles at them as though nothing in the world would make her happier than seeing their faces. It does me so much good! I love to see her turn her head to follow their voices and give a big toothless grin when she finds them.

I had a great time talking to P and M, too. I feel so comfortable with them. We talk about so many different things, some relevant and some random. I love it. It was a great visit and when they left I felt fine, happy to have seen them and Roo.

She is doing so well, my Roo. She has new fat rolls and her head is very steady. Her eyes are a lighter shade than they once were, which I love. I wasn't sure if they'd darken to the rich brown of H's eyes. I don't have anything against brown eyes, but Roo's big sister has blue eyes, and I wanted Roo to have blue eyes, too, so they'd match. I think they look so much alike already. They look like sisters. I love it. They look like their parents, too. I don't think anyone would look at Roo or her sister and guess that they were adopted. It's not necessarily important that they look like a family, but I like it just the same.

I know that a lot of potential adoptive couples worry about openness. I saw at the adoption academy that it's not something they feel comfortable with. They are afraid, perhaps, that if they are open, the birth mother will be overly involved and call herself mommy and try to take the baby back or something strange like that. But in my experience, and from the experiences of birth mothers and adoptive families I know, openness has the opposite effect. It's mutually beneficial. Visits confirm to me that I made the very best decision for Roo. I never feel the urge to steal her back, and I am not her mommy. I know it and Roo knows it. I'm good with that. I love seeing how happy Roo is with her mommy and daddy, and seeing how happy they are with her. With every visit I feel better and better about the adoption.

And P and M have told me that it's beneficial for them too. They know what kind of person I am. They will be able to answer any questions Roo might have about me as she gets older. And I don't mean to brag or exaggerate or anything, but I did do something pretty amazing for them and their family. Why wouldn't they want to know me or see me or talk to me? I have never felt threatened by or jealous of them. I would never take Roo from them. She is theirs, just as she was always meant to be. We will be forever connected. They have become very dear friends. They love Roo just as much as I do. How could I not love them?

I am so blessed to have these amazing people in my life. They are the very best parents, and they are so very good to me. I could not ask for better people to raise my Roo. I could not ask for better friends.

I call Roo my baby, my Roo, my little girl. But I don't mean that in the sense that she is mine. I grew her and carried her and birthed her and mothered her for two months, and I will always love her more dearly than I can say. But she is mine, my Roo, in the same way that my nieces and nephews are mine. They are family and I love them. But I would never elevate myself to the level of mother to any of them. So it is with Roo. She is mine, but not mine. She is P and M's baby, their precious daughter, and she will always be theirs. I am thankful for that. They can give her the world. The only thing they couldn't give her was a body, and I am so thankful that I could do that for her, for them.

I never wanted to be a birth mother - never. I didn't think I had it in me to be that selfless. I didn't think I had it in me to give up my baby. I couldn't imagine how awful I would feel if I had to do such a thing.

But I found it in me, and I did it, and although it was awful at first, it has also been an amazing blessing. I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. Being a birth mother has been the hardest thing in my life, but it has also been, in some ways, the best thing. I wouldn't trade this experience for anything in the world.


Mother of the Wild Boys said...

I have to admit, I am a bit jealous of open adoptions...when I placed my baby girl 11 years ago, LDSFS was just starting to have partially-open adoptions. I get a letter and a few pictures once a year from the adoptive family, but I haven't seen my girl since the day I placed her in her mother's arms. I have hope that when she grows up she'll want to know me. *sigh

Jill Elizabeth said...

I honestly don't think I would have chosen adoption if I didn't have that promise of openness. I think it took great courage and faith for you to place knowing how little contact you'd have.
I can't imagine her not wanting to know you. My mom was adopted and she always wondered about her birth mother. She would have loved to meet her, to thank her for the brave thing she did. I'm sure your daughter will want the same.