Sunday, October 11, 2009

I Am Feeling Better Today.

Well, by today I mean the 10th, even though it's technically tomorrow already as it's after midnight. I digress.

I have often joked that God is like a ten-year-old boy: He loves me, but He has a strange way of showing it at times. I hope that's not blasphemous. I don't think it is. I've always liked to think that our Heavenly Father has a great sense of humor.

Yesterday was so rotten for so many reasons. It seemed like one thing after another went wrong, and just when I thought I'd had it, something else went wrong, and I'd had enough. But today was a much better day. Exponentially better. So much better that I can't believe it's only the day after yesterday.

I got to attend and speak at the FSA adoption academy today. I went with my mother, since she was on the adult adoptee panel. It was great to hear her tell her story. I know she was nervous, because this was the first time she'd ever really talked about being adopted. She did such a good job and I am so proud of her!

The adoption academy is an absolutely awesome thing, and if they let me I will attend every one there is. There was such a good spirit there. I was super nervous to speak during the birth mother panel, but I think I did okay. I tried to get in the things that I felt were most important, and I tried not to overshare but I think I failed in the latter pursuit. Nerves loosen my tongue in certain situations, and public speaking is one of them. I don't think I made a complete fool of myself, but the couples there certainly didn't need to know that my Chevy isn't running. Oh well.

Afterward, M asked if I wanted to see Roo. So I got another visit with her! It was wonderful. I got to cuddle her for a few hours and talk to M and P and generally enjoy a lovely afternoon. We cut teeth early in my family, and poor Roo is already teething at three months. It was so hard to see her fuss and gnaw on her fists. At the same time, part of me was terribly relieved that I didn't have to deal with a teething infant all by myself. It was a comfort to me to know that Roo has two parents who can take turns consoling her when she is sad or hurting.

I absolutely love visits with Roo. I always know that she gets all the love and care in the world, but there is nothing quite like seeing for myself exactly how chubby her cheeks are, how happy and healthy she is, how soft her skin is, and how very much her parents love her. It is wonderful to snuggle with her and cuddle her and kiss her little cheeks as much as I want to ... and then to hand her back to her mother. Roo gave M the biggest smile when I handed her back before I went home. That baby girl knows exactly who Mommy and Daddy are, and she loves them. Seeing her does me such good.

I said something during the adoption academy earlier today that I only really realized as I said it. An adoptive mom asked if there was ever a time, on a hard day for instance, when getting pictures of or e-mail about Roo (she asked all 3 of the birth mothers, but this is my blog so I'm going to make it about me here). I said that the only pictures of Roo that make me cry are the ones I took when I was her mother. The pictures I have from P and M are the best things in the world for me, and when I am sad, they make me happy. There has never been a time that I can recall that a picture of Roo from P and M has done anything but given me peace and joy. My absolute favorite, in fact, is their family picture. Roo fits with them perfectly. She is their baby, not mine.

I feel that I learned a lot today from the academy. I think I have a better appreciation for the leap of faith that adoptive couples take in pursuing adoption and being open. A few of the adoptive couples seemed very apprehensive about openness. I tried to convey that openness is the best thing in the world - not just for the birth mother, but for everyone involved in the adoption.

Between the academy and my surprise snugglefest with Roo, I felt fantastic when I got home. And then my friend (who is my Relief Society president, but also my friend) called and asked if I wanted to get together with some women from the ward and watch movies. So I had a great night, watching two silly movies and painting my toenails and eating ice cream.

I am so blessed. I feel that for every thing that went wrong this past week and yesterday in particular, something went very right today, even if just a small thing, and it has made a big difference for me. I know that God loves me, and I am so thankful that He has given me the opportunity to be a part of Roo's life, and that He led me to her parents, to her eternal family.

It's impossible to know what any day will bring. Tomorrow could be awful again, or the next day. Or I could have a week of good days. I can't predict it. But I can control how I react to things, and what I choose to do with the challenges that I am faced with. I know now more strongly than I ever have before that if I do the very best I can with what God gives me, He will take care of the rest.

1 comment:

Cluff Family said...

I loved the adoption conference too. Don't worry about oversharing, you didn't. You were wonderful to listen to on the birth mother panel. Your sense of humor is delightful. I wish you could have seen the love and pride, for you, shining in your Mother's eyes as you spoke. My only regret of the day is that I didn't realize your Mother was speaking and I missed hearing her. I was able to see Roo for myself when P showed up with her after you had already left. She is beautiful. Keep moving forward, trusting and believing in yourself.