Friday, October 23, 2009


If you look at any of my past birthdays, today was comparatively rather strange. It was the least birthday-like of any birthday I've had. And yet, in some ways, today was the best birthday I've ever had.

I think that a big part of it is that I had no expectations for today. I knew that today wasn't going to be the day I'd planned, so I figured, whatever happens, happens.

I got up early to do another school presentation. I spoke to two classes at Campo Verde High School this morning. There were 5 students in the first class and 3 in the second. This was the first time I'd spoken to such a small group. I was a little intimidated at first but once I got used to it I found I enjoyed the change. It felt slightly less formal and slightly more comfortable. I think I did a better job today than yesterday. I know I enjoyed myself more. I'm really starting to love doing school presentations.

After the presentation, S took me out to lunch. We went to Denny's and my lunch was free because it was my birthday. We haven't really just had time to talk about things in a while, so it was good to catch up.

I felt pretty good when I got home. I finished my laundry and relaxed for a while. Even though I'd already gotten a few bigger things for my birthday, my mom likes for me to have something to open, so she got me a few things, including this handbag that I've wanted for a month but didn't feel I could justify buying. Then my mother and I went to Jo-Ann for a bit of fabric and then to Red Robin for dinner. I had a coupon for a free burger for my birthday.

This sounds like the dullest day ever, honestly, but I think dull was sort of a good thing. And the only parts of my day that weren't particularly dull were also not particularly cheerful. I miss my dad, and because I'd spoken about adoption earlier I really, really missed Roo. I can't even begin to explain how much I missed her. I've tried to distract myself with a TV show or two and that's helped a bit. I'm not sobbing desperately like I was earlier today in Jo-Ann when I happened upon the baby shower favor section. I stood there for about five whole minutes, crying silently and feeling terribly sorry for myself.

It was only a few minutes ago, though, that I actually stopped to wonder what my day would have been like with Roo here. I had a hard time picturing it. I remember how I had things planned out in my head, but I can't picture them the way I used to be able to. I can't imagine how the day would have gone if I were a single mother. No presents, most likely, but if I had to choose I'd have Roo instead of presents. But I can't have Roo. And so I have presents instead.

Despite the crying, today was, as I said, one of the best birthdays I can remember. I don't know what that says about other birthdays I've had, but even so. At dinner, my mother wondered aloud where we would be in a year. I can't even begin to imagine it. I know where I'd like to be, but I can't control every factor that might lead me there. All I can do is my best and see where it leads me.

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